The Queen

The Queen

Last night I was given a hug for the first time since Shelter in Place began. Ellie, only 3-years-old, ran to me and threw her arms around me before I could stop her. She dropped the large pinecone she was holding — “The Queen” she called her — as she curled around me.

I couldn’t stop her. Or maybe I just didn’t want to. I needed that hug because I don’t think I’ve had one in the 5 months since COVID-19 unfolded. During those months, I focused on living day to day. The last few days have dropped back to living hour by hour. And this morning as more evacuation alerts came in that sent me frantically calling all my neighbors, I’m back to living moment by moment.

It’s a tricky thing to be asked if I’m OK. What I want to say is “Yes I’m fine! Don’t worry about me! I’ve got everything taken care of!” That answer would come from years of social conditioning to soothe others and hide my own pain.

But am I OK? I’m physically safe, but my home is not. The fire is on the other side of the river now, just 3 miles away from home. This is the second fire evacuation I’ve experienced in less than a year and this time during a pandemic. It took me months to recover from the anxiety attacks and manage the PTSD, and that was with the privilege of being highly resourced and supported.

But am I OK? I’m actively managing an incredible amount of stress from the current fire and memories of the last fire. I can’t think straight. I cry at unpredictable times. Breathing burns. I double mask so I don’t breathe in smoke or breathe out a deadly virus. I’m full of questions. How close is it now? Did all my neighbors leave? Did I leave enough food and water for evacuating wildlife? Will I evacuate again this week or later this season? And all the while worrying about if the little girl who wants to hug me will be safe.

OK is feeling physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually safe. So maybe OK is the wrong measure. I am alive. And I have a safe place to stay. I have resources. I have kind people in my life and a great therapist. And I received the sweetest embrace by a little girl who thinks pine cones are royalty. That’s good enough for now.

The kind folks at Sonoma County have a set up a warm line for mental and emotional support. Call (707)565-2652 any day of the week from 10 a.m to 7 p.m. to speak to a trained professional.